I found a note from a journal while cleaning that reminded me of an experience I’d almost forgotten. It came one night when I was especially distraught, begging God for some confirmation that He loved me. Confirmation never came during my prayers, but I dreamed about God that night.

7-28-2008
I dreamed that I had decided I was tired of the Christian life, tired of following Jesus, and wanted nothing more to do with Him. So I decided to go find a world where God did not exist, and I could be rid of Him forever. And with the lack of details of most things that happen in dreams, BOOM, I was in another world. But the Lord had followed me somehow, and He was already waiting for me when I arrived. I was furious. I went even further away, to another world where I would be certain to never be bothered by God again. When I arrived, Jesus was not there. So I was happy to be free of attachments, and enjoyed my time there. But in just an hour or two, I began to worry. Had I really escaped Jesus for good? I began to miss Him fervently, but I was too proud to admit how much I needed Him. As I became seriously anxious and thought I had made a disastrous mistake, Jesus arrived – soaking wet. He had swum the entire length of a mighty river that separated the two worlds, to get to me.
Scriptures:
Romans 8:38-39 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

I had a dream once that I came to an empty apartment. The door was standing open, marked with crime scene tape, which I promptly ignored and pushed my way inside. There was blood everywhere. Someone had been murdered here – and not just a quick slit throat, they had been brutally murdered. There were signs of altercation, things knocked over, and the blood formed a vague sort of trail going into all the rooms of the house. Yet the feeling I had while I stood there was not one of terror. Not was it one of disgust, or even shock. I felt an incredibly welcoming, warm feel in this room, like being in a small old church. “Welcoming” really is the right word – it felt like I was supposed to be there, as if the room itself deeply wanted me to be present inside of it. I felt so comfortable here.

I realized when I woke up that the dream had been about Jesus. I had stood inside of Him. His physical aspect ripped and torn, His heart inside of Him still continued to make a soft, sacred place for me to stay.

There was a time in the past where having a crucifix over my door would have been strange for me. It’s a violent image of torture, there, right in your face, every time you go through the door. But it’s actually become quite comforting for me. The level of suffering doesn’t cause anxiety for me to look at, but the opposite: I know that I am loved and welcomed by Him. No matter how brutal his circumstances became, there was still a little heart-shaped garden inside His soul that was set apart for me since the beginning of time.

Thank you, friends, for reading.

Jesus, there is nothing without You. I was a poor stray dog once. I took shelter from the storm under Your porch; I growled when You came out to meet me. In time, I came to trust You as good, and I became tame to Your will. You took me into your home, let me sleep in Your own bed. You cleaned me, fed me, and set aside time for me. I became a member of Your own family, beloved by You and at home in your house. I became familiar with the sights and smells of Your home, until that darkness which had once embraced me became strange to me, and You became my whole world.

scriptures:

1 Peter 2:25 For “you were like sheep going astray,” but now you have returned to the Shepherd and Overseer of your souls.