So here’s how I imagine Him…

So, every time, I can see Him lay by me… and he’s all beaten and bloody, dirty and sweat-soaked… We’ve all treated Him more like an animal than a man, like some stupid livestock that we can take our anger out on, a dog we can kick when no one’s looking – even though He was the greater of all of us. And the last scraps of clothing given to Him, as they’ve torn his garments, as they’ve removed His clothes in public to beat Him… so, the last vestiges He has to cover Himself, He’s taking them and laying them over ME. He wants to cover me, more deeply than He wants to cover Himself; He wants to give me dignity when He is granted none. As always, I’m the center of His universe, the one He carried in His arms. I just see Him sweating and weak, His last night before He died… and it’s like He says, ‘Father, if all You’ve given me is meant to be taken… if I’m to be separated from Your Joy, and Your Peace, and [His voice shakes] Your Love…” He chokes for a moment on the words as He looks at me and says, “Father, I want You to take all the gifts that were meant for me, and give them to Her.” He struggles to say it at first, but once He makes it over that hill, once the words are spoken, it’s the greatest release of peace He’s ever felt. And my soul becomes a sleeping infant in His heart, and He knows it. All this time as He is jostled forward, tortured, blindfolded, crucified… as they spit on Him, as they do unspeakable things to His body… His eyes are inward. He can see my soul, asleep in His heart. His World is about keeping me shielded, and getting me safely Home. Like a candle He carefully shields with His own Body & His own soul, that He shields against the screaming wind so that it can’t be put out. 

He says I’m safe, that I’m ok, not to fear, because the Lord is with me. And I ask Him, honestly, why should that make me feel safe? So many people have suffered so many things; proverbially, right under the God’s nose, they’ve suffered. And He reminds me that suffering when you have that solid basis of joy just isn’t the same as suffering alone. He reminds me that someone is watching out for me, someone who plans “to grow you and not to harm you,” who “plans to give you hope and a future”. 

Sometimes He tells me that the cross I’m meant to carry everyday is, in a way, crafted for me by the one who loves me most. That there’s a lot of crosses in the world, just as there’s a lot of deaths… but that only one is meant for me. It can be really hard to explain what it’s like to suffer for loving someone, and I’m not able to explain it in more than a visceral response. More eloquent people than me have described it as “fear”, or have said that “He disciplines those whom He loves”. Paul said that God placed a sharp piece of wood — a thorn, in many translations — into his flesh, and when Paul asked God to remove it, His answer was no, that “my grace is sufficient for you.” When Job worshipped God, he said, “though He slay me, yet will I praise Him,” and Jesus prayed, “Your will be done,” fully knowing God’s good and perfect Will was that Jesus should suffer terribly from that point; in the Father’s own words, “Awake, sword, against my shepherd, against the man who is close to me! […] Strike the shepherd, and the sheep will be scattered” (see https://enduringword.com/bible-commentary/zechariah-13/ for a very good discussion of this quote). So, I know that from the outside, that it all sounds like craziness. I’m sure it sounds abusive and one-sided. All I can tell you, though, is it’s not one-sided. If anyone is abused in this process, it’s God Himself. It’s strengthening and freeing and it feels good in a way that’s hard to explain. To step up and start is such an absolute rejection of human nature, you could’ve more readily convinced me to drink poison than to follow a God who promises suffering and persecution. So I’ve got no “Ah ha!” moment to give you in here, no “Pikachu, I choose YOU!” to shout across the hilltops.

All I can say is, I’ve seen God, and He’s GOOD, and He’s worth following. 

Amen.